The Only Proper Way to Eat a Bagel

Repent of your former ways

February 4, 2015 | 3 Comments

Our house is gluten-free. I am not. When I’m out somewhere and eating something that wouldn’t find it’s way into our home, I make the most of it.

Let’s talk bagels, for example. Here’s how you should eat them:

  1. The bagel should be sliced and toasted. This isn’t a donut. It needs some crunch, some crisp, and a doubling of the eating time and pleasure. If the effect of the toasting isn’t visible, it should be toasted some more until it is.
  2. The bagel should have some kind of savory something adhering to the top. It shouldn’t be sweet stuff — again, this isn’t a donut. I want to see onions or garlic on there at the very least. Really, it should be an everything bagel or don’t bother.
  3. There should be a good spreadable cream cheese. It should not be light and it should not have any other flavors or specks of stuff in it. Cream cheese.
  4. Go ahead and spread the cream cheese on both halves. It should be evenly divided, but some variance is okay, up to 51-49.

The next steps get super important, so pay attention.

  1. Eat the top first. I used to think I was wise by eating the bottom first, so that the top with all of it’s everything sprinkled goodness was waiting for me. Delayed gratification, I thought. Those around me would admire what a good person I was. I was deluded.
  2. As you eat the top, take care to eat it over your plate, like your mother taught you. As you eat it over your plate, take care to eat it over the bottom portion that’s already smeared with cream cheese.
  3. As you are eating the top, take appropriate delight in noting how the everything bits that are dropping off as you eat are falling on to the bottom where they are being captured by the cream cheese. It used to be, in my former ways, that I would eat the bottom, and then the top, and be left with a plate full of bits of goodness. There was no proper way to eat these, and they were lost to humanity forever.
  4. Once you have finished the top, eat the bottom, again with appropriate delight, as you experience an extra measure of everything goodness with each bite.

You’re welcome.

3 thoughts on “The Only Proper Way to Eat a Bagel


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